5 Things you don't say to the police officer when traveling in your RV:

1. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

2. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

3. Are You Andy or Barney?

4. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

5.Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you..."

 

Ask and ye shall receive:

A RVing couple, both born the same year and month, were celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been so loving she would grant them each one wish.

Very excited, the wife said that since she had already visited most of North America in her RV she would like to visit Europe . The fairy waved her magic wand; airline tickets instantly appeared in her hand.

Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said with a sly look, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy waved her wand, and presto, he was 90.

Mistaken identity

A dog was resting in a campground and an RVer was reading nearby on a lawn chair.

"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a recently arrived camper asked. The RVer looked up over his newspaper and replied, "Nope."

Yet when the camper approached the animal, it began snarling and growling, and then attacked his legs. After pulling away from the crazed animal, he yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

The RVer muttered, "Ain't my dog."

The good ol' days

A couple of elderly RVers who'd recently celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary were sitting on the sofa in their Airstream motorhome, when the wife said, "Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?" He moved over and sat close to her.

"Dear," she continued, "do you remember how you used to hold me tight?" He reached over and held her tight.

"And," she went on, "do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?" With that, her husband got up and started to walk toward the rear of the motorhome.

"Where are you going?" she asked. "Well," answered the husband, "I have to get my teeth."

Being a truly obnoxious camper is a delicate art, relying on careful planning and orchestration. The rules are as follows:

 

1. Make your entrance to the campground fashionably late, preferably after10:00 pm., when there is no available light and everyone else is asleep.
2. Drive around the entire campground with your brights on so you can inspect each potential campsite fully, and so campers can make shadow puppets inside their tent if they want. Feel free to idle your engine at high RPM for long periods while you and your family carefully weigh the merits of each site, including those which are already taken.
3. If you have a boat, camper, motor home or other vehicle that blocks your rear view, always back into your parking space. Again, take your time, preferably having someone in your party stand behind the vehicle, shouting directions at the driver. Keep at it until you get it exactly right, grinding your reverse gear, revving your engine and spinning your tires in the gravel as needed.
4. If things take longer than you planned, which they probably will, swear a lot. This is, after all, the country. Do it loudly, leaning out your open window and with all the gusto you can muster. And don't forget the kids. It will ease the tension for everyone if you get them to cry.
5. Pump and pump that lantern for all your worth (skip the directions, you can't see them anyway), then throw in a lit match and enjoy the majesty of your very own atomic blast. Keep the valve completely open, so your campsite will serve as a beacon for other campers who may be lost, dis-oriented or under the impression they were sleeping comfortably.
6. Pack a tent that uses metal poles. Plastic poles just don't clang loudly enough when you throw the sack of them on the ground, trip over them and kick them out of the way.
7. Be sure someone in your party is either: a) drunk and obnoxious; b) ill with bronchitis, emphysema or some other lung affliction that produces a loud hacking cough; c) tired and under the age of four, or d) all of the above.
8. Hours later, when you have set up and fully decorated your campsite with hummingbird feeders, lawn chairs, Japanese lanterns and your newly made walking sticks, zip and unzip all the sleeping bags and tent vigorously four or five times each to ensure proper functioning for the night.
9. Have a radio playing - a simple boom box or car radio will do. If the signal is weak, and there is a lot of crackle, you can always turn up the volume.

And last but not least...

1. Plan to have your entire party sleep late. There is always a family somewhere nearby with small children who rise and begin their day at the crack of dawn. They'd like to eat their granola bars and drop by to play trampoline on your tent. While their parents sip espresso and watch.